[written on 6/22/2020]
You know those nights when something is triggered in your mind and then your thoughts start racing every time you close your eyes and you can’t sleep no matter how tired you are? Tonight is one of those nights. I’m typing this because that’s what’s happening right now. Today was a normal day for me, nothing bad or too stressful happened, I got into bed at my regular time, but as soon as I close my eyes my mind goes wild.
Tonight I’m having flashbacks from my amnioinfusion procedures, from the NICU, from the day we finally brought Rowan home. All of these times were traumatic in some way for me and some of these memories make my heart race and my chest feel heavy.
It’s weird to me, that after this long being home, with Rowan doing so well, and with us having this new routine down, that these thoughts would randomly come up and bother me so much. I don’t really understand it, but they are a great reminder of how far I’ve come; of how far my family has come.
I'm writing this to tell you that even if it seems like I have it all together as a medical mama to my medically-complex baby boy, it’s not always that way. I still struggle with wondering if I’m cut out for this. I wonder if I'm being a good enough mom in between doing medical-care tasks. Do I play with Rowan enough? Do I let him watch too much TV? Does he know how much I love him?
Sometimes I can still hear faint beeps and alarms and the buzz of machines that sound like our days from the NICU and then realize they aren’t real.
When I go to the salon to get my hair done and I sit in the chair to get my hair washed, I always notice that the ceiling is made of the same exact type of tiles that were in the hospital room where I had my amnioinfusions. Staring up at the salon ceiling brings me right back to that room where I lay on a hospital bed and tried to count ceiling tiles to distract myself from the fact that there was a long needle going through my abdomen to my baby.
I remember everything from the day we brought Rowan home from the NICU. The people who came to celebrate with us and help pack up the car. The pharmacist going over Rowan's 14 different medications and handing me a huge bag of medicine bottles. Trying to put the car seat in the car correctly and worrying that it wasn't secure enough. I can still feel the anxiety and fear I felt the day we left the hospital to bring Rowan home, and I think back and hate myself for not feeling joy and happiness instead.
My heart is racing even as I type all of these memories. They are ingrained in my mind so clearly. They are memories that have brought me here and made me who I am right now. So as much as I hate to think about some of them, I’m grateful for them.
Postpartum PTSD
Approximately 9% of women experience postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following childbirth. Most often, this illness is caused by a real or perceived trauma during delivery or postpartum.
Symptoms of postpartum PTSD might include:
+ Intrusive re-experiencing of a past traumatic event (which may have been the childbirth itself)
+ Flashbacks or nightmares
+ Avoidance of stimuli associated with the event, including thoughts, feelings, people, places, and details of the event
+ Persistent increased arousal (irritability, difficulty sleeping, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response)
+ Anxiety and panic attacks
+ Feeling a sense of unreality and detachment
Postpartum PTSD is temporary and treatable with professional help. If you feel you may be suffering from this illness, know that it is not your fault and you are not to blame. Visit www.postpartum.net for more info.
If you're a NICU mama who had some of these same feelings leaving the NICU or since you've been home from the NICU, or if you're a NICU mama looking forward to the day you get to take your baby home, give yourself grace. As exciting and happy as it is, it's also overwhelming and scary. It's okay if the journey from NICU to home doesn't look like you expected. Also, no matter where you are in your journey, or what you've experienced, it's okay to ask for help. To take medicine. To see a therapist. To rest.
If you're reading this and ever need a safe space and someone who has experienced anxiety, depression, and PTSD from the NICU experience, feel free to contact me. I'd love to talk with you or just listen. Sending you love, mama.
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