Rowan was in the NICU for 147 days. Exactly 21 weeks. Almost 5 months. When I think back, it doesn’t feel nearly that long, but at the same time, it feels like last year didn’t even exist. We knew Rowan would spend a lot of time in the NICU once he was born, but nothing can prepare you for the actual experience of being there.
After I gave birth to Rowan, they immediately took him to the NICU at UC Hospital where he was born and 3 hours later, transferred him to the NICU down the street at Cincinnati Children’s. I spent the day my son was born in a separate hospital from him. For 7 months I carried my baby with me 24/7 and then he wasn’t with me anymore and there was nothing I could do about it. Luckily, he was born around 7:30 am so by about 4 in the afternoon, I was feeling well enough to get a pass to leave UC Hospital and go to visit my baby for a couple of hours.
Justin and I slept at UC hospital that night. The following morning, Justin went to the NICU early to visit Rowan and I waited at UC until I could get another pass to go visit him. I remember I had just ordered breakfast to my room when my dad called and said I needed UC to discharge me because he was afraid Rowan wasn’t going to make it much longer. He had a terrible night, was on extreme oxygen support, and was really struggling. I’ll never forget that call and the way his voice sounded on the phone. It makes my heart race just typing this. I don’t even know how I responded to my dad, but I called a nurse into my room and told her I had to leave to go see Rowan and I wasn’t coming back. She understood and helped me pack up my things and signed me out.
When I think back, I have no idea how I recovered from giving birth. I didn’t rest because I had visitors or had to pump every couple hours or was waiting for updates on Rowan. I didn’t use a wheelchair when I went to visit him like I should have and rarely sat down so my feet and ankles were constantly swollen. I just had to be near my baby. Nothing else mattered.
That’s how the whole NICU experience felt. I just had to be near my baby and that was all that mattered. It was hard to leave his side to go eat, to refill my water bottle, to pump in the pumping room, to sleep anywhere other than in the recliner by his bed, to meet visitors in the lobby to say hi and thank them for being there for us. I made sure I was awake and at Rowan’s bedside by 7:00 am every morning for rounds when all of the doctors would meet and talk about Rowan’s care for the day, his lab results from the daily bloodwork, etc. Rowan was the first baby to be rounded on for a while because he was the “sickest” baby in the NICU.
I wanted to be the one who changed his diapers, who gave him sponge baths, who put his little socks on, who read him books and sang to him, who held his tiny hand. I wanted him to know that his mommy was there and she wasn’t going anywhere. For almost 2 weeks, Justin and I slept in the sleep room in the NICU, because I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him for that long. I would wake up at 2:00 am to pump and then go visit Rowan before going back to bed.
Eventually, I did leave the NICU to go sleep, eat, grab coffee, visit with family. I was lucky enough to have a room at Ronald McDonald House so I didn’t have to go far from him to go “home”. But leaving him never got easier. I constantly thought about him and worried. I knew I needed to get fresh air and take care of myself, but I felt guilty for doing anything more than eating. My baby was sick and struggling in the NICU, why did I feel the need to go to Starbucks and grab coffee? Or take a walk outside in the sunshine? Or meet a friend for lunch? It sucked to always feel torn between your baby and anything else. I could not wait until the day I could take him on a walk with me or put him in a highchair so he could eat lunch next to me.
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