Caring for my baby looks a little different than I thought it would when I first found out that I was pregnant. I thought being a mom would look like long, but precious days of figuring out how to breastfeed, sleepless nights holding my baby in the rocking chair while he snuggled in my arms, storytime in mommy’s bed before tucking him in his own bed for the night, having fun in the bathtub splashing the water with our hands, watching him learn how to crawl, sit and walk, and dressing him in all of the adorable tiny outfits that were hanging in his closet.
I spent countless hours designing and decorating his nursery to make it perfect for him. I searched for baby clothing sales and bought outfits from friends so he had a closet full from newborn to 3T size because I knew babies grew out of their clothes quickly. I researched the best baby items that other moms recommended and created a registry with all of the best things that I could think of for my baby.
Instead, my baby spent the first 5 months of his life in the NICU, and I spent countless hours there next to him.
Instead, my baby couldn’t try breastfeeding, or even eating in general, until he was able to breathe on his own with minimal oxygen support.
Instead, I did kangaroo care with him in the plastic recliner in the NICU after a nurse had helped me get him out of bed safely.
Instead, I read him books from the NICU library every day while he was resting in his NICU warmer bed and getting stronger.
Instead, we gave him sponge baths while he laid on a foam pad, not in a bathtub, because we can’t let his medical sites get wet.
Instead, we first had to teach him how to breathe before he could eat, play, or be held safely.
Instead, he wore tiny preemie size outfits (that were still too big for him) that were left unsnapped halfway down to allow room for his cords and wires to come through.
Instead, we bought him small, simple toys that were easily washable to help prevent germs that came from outside of the NICU.
My baby didn’t see his own nursery until he was 6 months old and he still hasn’t slept there. His crib, changing table, and easy-to-wear clothes are in our master bedroom, his rocking chair is in our family room, and his toys are all downstairs. He was never able to wear any of his clothes from newborn- 9-month size other than snap up jammies because otherwise, we have to cut holes in his clothes to get to his tubes and catheters. Almost all of the outfits have been packed away in boxes unworn and with tags still attached. I now spend my time researching the best toys to help with development, items that I can use to keep his G tube covered, but that will also cover his ureterostomy, foods that are allowed in his low-potassium and low-phosphorus diet, and stores that sell snap-up jammies in sizes larger than 9 months.
My diaper bag is jam-packed because not only do I have regular baby items in there, but I also have essential everyday medical supplies as well as emergency medical supplies packed in there, too. We keep hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes in almost every room of the house and make everyone wash their hands before touching Rowan or any of his toys. I constantly worry about being around people who may be sick or have been around others who are sick, and get anxious when we bring Rowan out in public. I have a list of medications, shots, and feeding schedules taped to a kitchen cabinet and 3 drawers dedicated to only medical supplies (compared to only two drawers with typical baby supplies like bottles, burp cloths, bibs, etc.). Our guest bedroom and office are now used for medical supply storage. Our master bedroom now looks like a mini ICU with a dialysis machine, blood pressure monitor, baby scale, supply cart, and 2 large trash cans. Our sleepless nights are not caused by baby cries, but by machine alarms and the constant anxiety of wondering if you forgot to turn on the oxygen monitor or start the overnight G tube feed. We don’t have playdates with mom and baby friends or go to large family gatherings because of the risk of our baby getting severely sick. Our schedule is full of doctors' appointments and my recent calls list is 90% medical supply companies, insurance companies, and hospital phone numbers.
But in all of the chaos, I’m still just a mom. And Rowan is still just a baby. We play with his toys, practice rolling and sitting and standing, try new foods, dance with him in the family room, take him for walks, and cuddle in the rocking chair while we watch Puppy Dog Pals. He sits in his high chair at the table with us for family meals and loves to look out the window. He is super ticklish and smiles all the time. He loves to hear daddy’s voice when he gets home from work and loves to watch mommy play ball with the puppy. Even though Rowan is the strongest person I know and my own little hero, he’s also just a baby. And I’m just his mama.
Comentários